Better Marriage Blanket

You know you're really scraping the bottom of the creativity barrel when you find yourself writing about a "fart blanket", but hand me a scraper and let's start the scrubbing, shall we? 

Three words:  Better.  Marriage.  Blanket.  Also known as the "fart blanket" to those in the know.  If you've never personally had the pleasure, the “Better Marriage Blanket” purports to use “the same type of fabric used by the military to protect against chemical weapons” to “neutralize” gas molecules caused by flatulence.   The ad is accompanied by a photo (right) of a happy, smiling couple enjoying some flatulence-free bivouac time while the husband is wrapped up in his hermetically-sealed methane blocker (although no word if the blanket comes complete with a set of earplugs as well).  The manufacturers even go so far as to say their product “makes a great wedding or anniversary gift”.  And they say romance is dead.  

Seriously, though, I'm trying to imagine the look on the bride-to-be's face when she unwraps her very own “fart guard” at her bridal shower and what she's supposed to make of it.  (Although, could be she'd just be bewildered, since, if her fiance were smart, he'd have taken great pains to keep that part of his “personality” at bay during their courtship, only to spring it on her when it's too late for an annulment.  But I digress.) 

While I wish that the secret to a better marriage were so simple, I somehow doubt it.   Fact is, this is just the latest example of assorted materiel being offered by manufacturers to address the battlefield of the marriage bed.  Think about it for a minute:  We've got “Breathe Right” strips to quell the aural misery of snoring; fart blankets to tame the malodorous excretions of our bedmates; and mattresses designed to withstand an onslaught of jumping jacks and restless legs syndrome.  Next thing they'll be offering is a Glade enema.

Speaking as someone who once slept on the floor of a walk-in closet in a bed and breakfast suite that offered no alternative respite from my husband's loud and continuous snoring; and speaking as someone who has on more than one occasion slept on the floor next to the bed to escape my husband's tossing and turning, I appreciate the efforts of products such as this.  I really do.  But really, when you need to call in the military to defeat the enemy at the gates of flatulence, I'm thinking it's time for twin beds (either that, or combat pay).

Just my opinion.