Now, we all know that McDonald's has had a long history of having the second coming of John Wayne Gacy in an oversized onesie as their spokesman, and I suppose we've grown accustomed to that on some level. (Still, whenever I see Ronald McDonald he reminds me of that needle-toothed clown from Stephen King's movie "It" ("We all flooooooat down here"), so I guess I'm not that accustomed to it.) And Wendy's isn't much better, since the face of that franchise has been Pippy Longstocking meets "Children of the Corn" for as long as I can remember (which, granted, ain't that long).
But in the past couple of years, things seem to have gone to a whole other level. And, for me, it all starts with Dairy Queen, unless you somehow think it's normal to have a big, disembodied mouth full of big, disembodied teeth pitching DQ's fine assortment of fried meats and frozen treats. (I believe there might even be some lip-smackin' tongue action in there as well, which I guess was designed to show yumminess but was just a bit too much evil-and-good-cheer-chumminess for my taste, know what I mean?) Let's just say I can practically envision a cutlass between those layers of pearly whites. I'm thinking if the giant chattery teeth in that Stephen King story of the same name had a vocation, this would be it. Just a-grinnin' and a-killin' (and a-supersizin') all the way to the drive-through window.
Or maybe, just maybe, those big DQ lips bring me back to the rubber retainer I had to wear for two years after getting my braces off. Either way, just a-grinnin' and a-killin' (and a supersizin'). (Hey, wearing a HOCKEY PUCK in your mouth just does things to a kid, that's all I'm sayin'.) At any rate, I find it really hard to concentrate on fast food happiness in the face of such nasty imagery. (In fact, I think I had a bad dream about that big, scary mouth the first time I saw it, though it might've just been Bill O'Reilly on late night, an even bigger and scarier mouth....)
And speaking of a-grinnin' and a-killin', if it all begins with Dairy Queen, then it begins, ends and middles with big BK (notice the resemblance to BTK?). 'Cos personally, I don't think there's much that can compete with Burger King's, um, "Burger King" (clever, eh?) for sheer nightmare-inducing potential. I find myself wondering (and not for the first time) what these marketing people could possibly have been thinking when they came up with this one. Let's see: If clowns aren't scary enough, let's put a vacant-eyed, shiny-faced DOLL with an Elizabethan fetish and a maniacal grin into the mix and break out a big ol' can o' whoopass in tights. Yeah! No. Just...no.
I still haven't quite decided if the intent is to show us that the Burger King is a pervert, a homicidal maniac, or a perverted homicidal maniac. I can't believe it matters at this point (since it's six of one, 6-to-12-with-a-sentence-recommendation for the other), but I guess we'll just have to wait and see. In the meantime, just remember that it's all fun and games until someone gets a bloody finger in their fries courtesy of "The King". (Oh wait, someone already has. Think they paid extra for that?)
So the question remains: Are the purveyors of fast food deliberately trying to tap into all the creepy symbols of childhood zeitgeist, or are they merely clueless enough to think that these things are somehow, well, cute? (You know, the way parents think it's "cute" to regale others with your most humiliating moments to anyone who'll listen from the time you're old enough to embarrass yourself to the time when you're too old to care (but still embarrassing yourself)? Yeah, cute like that. But enough about me. Back to the fast food thing.)
I don't know if this is a trend designed to intimidate us into eating more food that's bad for us (but OH. SO. GOOD), or whether I've just been watching way too many horror movies (most of them seemingly either written by, directed by, or inspired by Stephen King). Could be it's both.
But I do know this: The evil is spreading to other genres. That tattoo-wearing, mechanical bull-riding sock monkey in those Kia Sorento commercials is really starting to work my last nerve, he and his Entourage of Evil. (What IS that tall one-eyed red thing with the carbuncles all over it, anyway??) It could just be that there's something vaguely annoying about a bunch of battery-powered toys and stuffed animals with superior social lives to my own. But there's also just something about that mack daddy monkey that reminds me of a Stephen King story about a wind-up toy just a-grinnin' and a-killin'....Oh, never mind.
I'm sure it's just a coincidence.
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